Just Southern, Not Dumb or Bigoted

If I leave the South and I start talking, it’s like writing “southerner” on my forehead. I forget about it, for one, and it is hard to disguise this accent. I can only pretend to be British for so long … then I forget and slip up. Like Madonna. And I think people expect me to be stupid, or they’re surprised that I’m not. (No, really, I’m not! I graduated with a “C” average!)

Sometimes as a Southerner, I get really embarrassed. I have to live down the racist stereotype. The Southern Baptists alone give me fits. They are so rigid. I was raised in their church, so maybe I am just too familiar with their doctrine. I went to a private Christian high school, which explains a lot, I know. Every week, we had “chapel” – sort of a church/worship/brainwashing session. Someone would get up and talk about how we could have a bomb dropped on us at any moment, or be killed on the way home from school, and ask where would our soul go? These people made 8 year-olds cry. In their defense, though, they never gave us poison Kool-Aid.

Luckily, by age 3, I was already the cynic I am today. I am not too afraid of an Invisible God who loves me soooo much I will burn in The Lake of Fire forever…. Just for being myself. The reasoning behind all that escapes me, really. And the people who take it too far piss me off. Like the Westboro Baptist Church and their asshole leader, Fred Phelps. He’s the one who protests funerals… with signs like “God Hates Fags.” I missed that part of the Bible.

I honestly believe those that protest the loudest must have some issues of their own. Why else would they care so much? There’s a theory that people who are homophobic must be gay themselves. So how flamingly homosexual must Fred Phelps be? He has gotta be one the GAYEST people in the world!!!! Maybe it’s because people like him resent other people who can say, “this is who I am, take it or leave it” because they don’t have that kind of courage. So they live a lie. And they hate it. It’s amazing to me that people vote for candidates because of homophobia. Forget feeding the hungry or curing the sick… gay people want to get married and we must stop them! As if marriage is so great we have to keep it exclusive. Like the front of the bus.

My dad is a Christian and a racist. He’s also a control freak. That made for a traumatic childhood. Did I mention he was also postal worker? He worked for the Postal Service and so did my mother. And believe me, that term “postal,” - it’s true. I was sure he was gonna come to dinner with a gun someday.

He was bitter about the Catholics and Jews, anyone with another religion, really. And I heard him talk about spics, niggers, degos, slant-eyes, wetbacks, chinks, porch monkeys, japs — I thought they were football teams. Like The Slant Eyes vs. The Spics. I didn’t know. We didn’t watch sports. We watched “Hee Haw” ….

I remember not understanding the hatred of racism. I imagine being around age 5 and the conversation going something like this:

Daddy, why do you hate black people? Because they are different from us. Why? Because we are genetically superior to them. Why? Because we’re smarter than they are. Why? Because we’re white. Why, daddy? Because God loves us more, darling. Why? Because we are white. Why? We just are. Why? Because I said so. Now shut up and eat.

That’s a hard image to live down.