I Survived “The Today Show” With Kathie Lee & Mario Cantone

NBC’s “The Today Show” was on TV. I was vaguely aware that Kathie Lee Gifford was going to be on the last hour. I hope they fire whoever came up with that idea. Anyway, I was busy and somehow she snuck in on me. I was actually in another room when I heard a voice burst into song, for lack of a better word — it was a sound that was tuneless and without key, like a show tune. Of course, I should have known: it was Kathie Lee. God! And to top it all off, she was standing there with comedian Mario Cantone, a person who obviously brings out the worst in her.

If you know me, then you probably know I hate show tunes. Even the ones that almost sound like music. I may have vocalized my dislike of  Kathie Lee “I’d-be-a-bitch-if-you-weren’t-paying-me” Gifford,  but usually she just makes my eyes roll. Her fake cheerfulness is that of a cheerleader who really hates your guts.  

As for Mario Cantone, I like him, but he’s like finding yourself in a gay bar, even if your not in the mood. He does zany impressions of Katherine Hepburn and Liza Minnelli… and I’m sure he’s great fun at a drag show. But put him with Kathie Lee in a cooking segment about pizza, and something inside me just dies. Watching them pound dough even ruins pizza for me somehow. Suddenly it’s just too fabulous.

I have never been so thankful for a commercial break. The last thing I just heard was Cantone singing “Everything’s comin’ up roses!”

I have about four minutes. I really have to find my remote. I guess I’ll be watching CBS in the mornings now.