The Universe of Possible Lives

Funny I should think about him now, after all this time. I mean, I am married. But what they say is true, I am not dead.

And I do think about him… that guy… the one who moved away and took a new job, That guy out in the world doing his thing, probably never reading my blog. I’m sure everyone he works with loves him. I used to work with him… I liked his sense of humor. I also liked the way he walked into a room. I liked everything about him.

He wasn’t The One Who Got Away. Or maybe he was. I didn’t really try to keep him. I didn’t cheat on my husband. But I would be stupid to lie and say I didn’t think about it. Nothing happened but words. And attraction. It can be powerful. But it isn’t everything. In retrospect, had we somehow “hooked up” I would have lost respect for us both. 

And I wouldn’t still think of him like I do.

One reason I think of him is because he looked at the ring on my finger and drew the line right there. I didn’t have to. He had honor. He respected me. That took my breath away almost as much as if he had laid one on me. He was always a gentleman. Not being in our 20s, maybe the benefit of experience helped. Once, he told me he had jumped out of too many windows.

The other reason I think about him is because of a few personal thoughts he shared with me, when we were getting to know each other. He wrote me, and he said something about “the universe of possible lives…”  It still brings up a feeling like I want to cry. I knew what he meant. If only we had met in a different time or place. I felt the same way. Exactly. I’m sure we all have many “possible lives” out there, but when do you look into the eyes of one?

I am left to wonder if I think of him because I romanticize things as time passes. Or because I am not at the happiest stage of my marriage. Being married doesn’t keep me from having feelings. Or maybe it’s because I’m at a crossroads in life. And I’m tired. Don’t we all get tired of our life sometimes?

Is it the possible life, like the greener grass, that looks so good from here? Or is it something else to it? I wish I knew. Though in the bigger scheme of things, it probably doesn’t matter. I can only hope he finds someone to love, and she holds onto him.

I would.