15 Things That Work Better Than Ambien (Except More Ambien)

I took an Ambien CR at 8 p.m. one night this week. I was up again around 1:00 a.m., with a strange urge to work in my garden. Hello? It’s nightime!!!!

This medication is awful, for three reasons: it doesn’t do what it is supposed to, my insurance company won’t cover the good stuff (Rozerem) and it cost a lot more than some Benadryl.

So here are 15 things I have found that work better at helping me relax or making me sleepy (sometimes they aren’t the same thing):

15. New Age music (no flutes, please!!!)

14. Counting backward from 100 by threes. A frustrating mathematical loop that shuts my mind down.

13. C-Span

12. A power or cable outage. Just wake me up when the lights are back on.

11. Driving for 11 hours.

10. Listening to my mother-in-law on the phone (not relaxing! but BORING!)

9. Hot chocolate (two packets in a huge mug)

8. Reading anything educational (don’t make me learn…)

7. Alcohol

6. A hot bath with candles

5. A hot bath with alcohol (candles + alcohol= danger)

4. The sound of rain

3. Two Tylenol PM 

2. Good weed

1. Benadryl

 

I Survived “The Today Show” With Kathie Lee & Mario Cantone

NBC’s “The Today Show” was on TV. I was vaguely aware that Kathie Lee Gifford was going to be on the last hour. I hope they fire whoever came up with that idea. Anyway, I was busy and somehow she snuck in on me. I was actually in another room when I heard a voice burst into song, for lack of a better word — it was a sound that was tuneless and without key, like a show tune. Of course, I should have known: it was Kathie Lee. God! And to top it all off, she was standing there with comedian Mario Cantone, a person who obviously brings out the worst in her.

If you know me, then you probably know I hate show tunes. Even the ones that almost sound like music. I may have vocalized my dislike of  Kathie Lee “I’d-be-a-bitch-if-you-weren’t-paying-me” Gifford,  but usually she just makes my eyes roll. Her fake cheerfulness is that of a cheerleader who really hates your guts.  

As for Mario Cantone, I like him, but he’s like finding yourself in a gay bar, even if your not in the mood. He does zany impressions of Katherine Hepburn and Liza Minnelli… and I’m sure he’s great fun at a drag show. But put him with Kathie Lee in a cooking segment about pizza, and something inside me just dies. Watching them pound dough even ruins pizza for me somehow. Suddenly it’s just too fabulous.

I have never been so thankful for a commercial break. The last thing I just heard was Cantone singing “Everything’s comin’ up roses!”

I have about four minutes. I really have to find my remote. I guess I’ll be watching CBS in the mornings now.

Ambien Dreams And A Futile Quest For Sleep

So I am supposed to trust this Ambien CR because Blue Cross wouldn’t pay for Rozerem, which in my experience was a much better drug. I had trouble years ago with regular Ambien — as soon as it wore off I would wake up. Luckily I was never doing anything weird.

Then Ambien CR came along… it’s supposed to keep you asleep longer. Although you still could find out the next morning what weird thing you did, hopefully not from the authorities. The Ambien CR keeps me asleep, sort of, more knocked-out than asleep. And I have had some terrible dreams, feeling caught between what is real and what isn’t.

I dream about body parts, people getting violent, attacking or chasing me, animals hung up by the neck, driving in a panic against traffic, and desperately looking for a place to stay because I know I am hiding from someone I fear. The violent images that pop into my head stay with me for several days. I don’t wake up rested… I wake up tired. Worse yet, I wake up disturbed. Not to mention the landfill taste in my mouth.

I also wake up with a residual zombie-like feeling. Not even two cups of coffee can cut through it. I have never had that kind of hangover from alcohol or over-the-counter sleeping pills. The other morning I got up around 8 o’clock and the fog didn’t lift until around noon.

I have been taking Ambien CR for a week, and I am already giving up. A good old sleeping pill, a cup of hot chocolate or glass of wine would help more … without hurting. Knowing that there is a better medication out there without these side effects pisses me off. Am I supposed to wait until I do something weird and then complain? The chance of weird behavior is listed right there in the side effects.

I’m sure that Blue Cross knows about the risks, side effects and addictive qualities of Ambien CR, although they recommend it over other, and possibly better drugs. That is because it is cheaper. And I’m sure an investigation into the matter would uncover a money trail straight from the pharmaceutical companies to Blue Cross. As a consumer, having Blue Cross tell me which pill I should take is insulting. It makes me feel as if my premiums would do me more good in the bank drawing interest. Then I could chose what to pay for.