The Slow, Painful Death Of A Marriage
He doesn’t want to live with me. I don’t really want to live with him. Our poor son is caught in the middle. We ignore our anniversary. I stay closed up, angry, and sad at the way things have turned out. He doesn’t have anywhere to go or he would be gone. His heart doesn’t belong to me anymore. I have already grieved the life I had… the man I married. I have cried over the loss and steadied myself. I’m no longer afraid of being alone.
But he is caught up between trying to find happiness and taking care of his family. Despite the fact that his leg ended up under a tractor, he has only missed a couple of days. I admire that. I am extrememly grateful for it. And since his employer is a cheap bastard and offers NO sick days, I somehow feel responsible for all that pain. The only way I can see to help him is to take some of that burden away. I want to give him the freedom to go.
Our son’s recovery from surgery is slow and steady now. He’s doing well. And I need to go back to work, get some health insurance and let go of my marriage. Even after 22+ years, no one wants to be “an obligation.” I don’t want to depend on anyone. I want a new beginning… I can only hope that I can find a purpose, a feeling of contentment, and maybe, someone to love me.
The time that my husband spent having to lie around with his injured leg was the perfect example of two people who have little to say, and little in common. You would think that such a close call would bring us closer. But in taking stock of life, we looked past each other. Our dreams no longer mingle together; our ideas of happiness are elusive and hard to put into words; our bond is fragile, if not already broken.
How we have come to enjoy NONE of the same things is a mystery. That phrase “grown apart” came from somewhere. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am a strong woman — I know I can do anything I want. But even strong women get lonely.
But while my son and I are very close, it would be nice to have someone else to just give me a hug every now and then. Just to tell me I’ve done well considering what life has thrown at me. Maybe even whisper in my ear that I’m still pretty.
May 13, 2008 at 10:56 am
Wow, this is so true, I have been married for almost 19 years, and last night my husband told me that he does not know if he still loves me. How can this be? I know we have had problems, but we have always retreated and sucked it up and he was indeed the Yes Man….retreat describes him. He has gone through a loss of both parents, a heart attack, and I have a lot of health issues, a son who is 15 with a disability and now when I am down and out, I am told this. He has always been there for me… adored me, but our intimacy lacks due to his heart medication and stated that he feels like less than a man, even though I reassured him that I will work w/him and we can get through this…I don’t know how to move on now….
May 13, 2008 at 11:04 am
I know what you mean, having an avalanche of bad news and health problems, then realizing you may have to start all over. My husband and I usually approached everything as a team, but when he went to work out of town for almost a year, a lot of things changed. It is scary, but mostly, it is heartbreaking because all the things you took for granted would be there forever might not be. We all fall in and out of love, but when it’s over, it’s OVER. My son is 16 with a chronic illness so I understand the pressure you are under… just remember your kid comes first. Maybe if your husband got away for awhile he could see more clearly what he needs to do. The intimacy thing is always a bigger deal for men than for us girls, I think. Perhaps that has made him feel doubtful of himself. Good luck. Please let me know how you are. My email is earth2sonja@yahoo.com.
May 13, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Thank you for the great advice. I pray that I can get through this.
May 24, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I wish I had the magic words…I am a firm believer in marriage even though it has never worked for me. I have the utmost respect for anyone who has been married/together for as long as you and Stephen have been. My prayers are with you and I believe you know that.
May 26, 2008 at 8:37 am
I am so sorry. I read your words and thought “I know exactly how she feels right now!!!” My eyes got all watery,and my nose tingled…these days tissues are never far. Long story short-my husband of 3 years decides he is “unhappy” and wants a divorce. So almost 3 weeks ago he filed for one. Then he decided he wanted to come home again a week and a half later.(ugh) It would have been easier if he would have not come back,it has been awful since (1 week ago).
I am so so sorry for your hurt,and wish you all the best!!!!
I ran across your blog this am while doing some “Googling”. Sometimes you find the the things you needed when you didnt know they were exactly what you needed to find.