The Greener Grass
I remember hearing a comic say that when you are single, all you see are couples. When you are married, all you see are whores. Or something like that.
I sure know that when you’ve been married 22 years, you think that there must be wonderful things about being single that you are missing out on. Freedom, an exciting social life, dating new, exciting people and sleeping around. But there is something else married people are missing. Crushing loneliness.
Of course, if your spouse runs off with someone else or dies, you have no choice. But my husband is sleeping at his brother’s. Why? Because he did something I didn’t like and I am a vicious bitch who won’t let it go.
We are really sick of arguing with each other. Sick of life. Sick of our running streak of bad luck, including the stress of having a teenager with a chronic illness. I don’t see how we’ve made it this long, actually. And it this point, it could go either way.
But there’s a part of me, the part that hates change, the girl that married at 20, that misses her groom. People change, people have all kinds of crisis, not just the mid-life kind, and people do stupid things. Do you throw away half a lifetime over what, in the big picture, are probably small things? A lot of people do. Some fall out of love. I wish I knew what was happening to us. I don’t. I only know I wish he was here, even if just to ignore me talking. Apparently I am set in my ways.
I wonder what will happen if he doesn’t come home. He might be able to move on, but I feel sort of paralyzed. On the other hand, if he does come home, I want to feel happy about it. I want to be thrilled. I want him to love me enough to marry me all over again. Most of all, I want to be worthy of it. I want to make him happy too. I just have this fear of an awkward silence, a moment when we realize there isn’t anything left to build on, the sadness of walking away. It would hurt less to just stay alone. I am afraid of high hopes. You know what happens when you fly too close to the sun.
May 28, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Man, that’s a hard place to be. I was married for 13 years then got divorced. It was hard and really devastating in my life. and yes it was lonely. Now I am remarried. I love my husband immensely and, you are so right about the lonliness. I am never lonely when he is around. We do have our ups and downs, I have a chronic illness that we found out about after we got married. We have step kids…we have a busy life, a business and all kinds of things going on that could pull us in a million different directions. There are days when i want to run…that’s my MO…running. But, so far, I have chosen to stay, work things out with him, be strong and make this marriage, this life we started survive. I wish the best for you, and only happiness. Only the two of you can know what the best path is for your marriage. No one else can dictate that for you. But don’t throw it away unless you are totally sure it is the last straw, it is the bitter end. Love, marriage, family is too precious, and too short!
Just my humble opinion.
good luck to you!
May 29, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Chanced upon your blog and just want to thanks …and I hope things work out. 22 yrs is a loooong time - but then you’re only 42