The Waiting Game

I really miss the guy I married. I guess somewhere inside my husband, that guy still remembers me. But it’s been a long long time. And a lot of mean, twisted, ugly things have been said, accusations hurled, limits  reached. We somehow turned each other into people we didn’t even like.

But I still miss him. I wish I could ask him to just come lay with me, and he would. Just to hold me… not talking about problems or solutions or the past or the future, except what the weather will be like in the morning. I miss my old life when I took everything for granted, even the security of his arms around me.

So much drama… talk of “working on our relationship,” making positive changes, good intentions. Time will tell. And like Tom Petty said, waiting is the hardest part. I refuse to hope. I refuse to invest my already broken heart in a sinking ship. I refuse to be in the position I was once in: clueless, trusting, naive. The truth is easy to talk about but hard to live. Once it’s gone, it will take everything else with it. If things don’t work out, I cannot afford to be destroyed. I am a mother. I will be a strong woman, even if it kills me.

Even so, it sure would feel good to be held again. To see the eyes of the man I loved so many years ago looking back at me. To be able to feel the love I lived with for so long, and then lost. Love I remember like a blue sky, a sweet taste, a warm blanket. As much a part of me as my blood and lungs.

I wonder if I can live without him.