The Irrational Heart
Common wisdom and rational thought will tell you that people can only hurt us as much as we let them. While we aren’t in control of the situation or another person’s actions, we are at least in control of our own actions or reactions. As human beings, it is in our nature to embrace what little control we do have.
Where we have logic on one shoulder, we have the whisperings of the heart on the other. And they can be as different as good and evil, night and day, love and hate. Some people are ruled more by one than the other. And when the manipulative, ungrateful, and thoughtless among us take advantage of the generous, the kind, and the trusting, worlds collide, feelings are hurt, and in my case, faith in humanity is questioned, but not completely lost.
For a self-proclaimed cynic, I have many hidden soft spots, that inevitably are used against me. I am one of those who share everything I have and can love you like family. But I feel like every time someone hurts me, when I honestly did nothing to deserve it, as Pink Floyd so adequately chanted, “all in all, its just another brick in the wall…”
I just added a few today.
Sadly, if you live long enough, that wall can get too high to see over. The best you can do is shout at people passing by, and if one of them stops long enough, you can be friends. But with the wall between you, there is a boundary that keeps either of you from reaching out or getting closer. After time, you will notice that one day, they tire of you and say goodbye. Or maybe one day, there is only silence.
I rarely feel sorry for myself… although the last three years have been hell. The worst part, of course, is watching my son struggle against complications of Crohn’s disease. I do admit feeling sorry for him. But I don’t expect pity from others. I am a strong woman, and I guess that while every brick someone throws at me makes me even stronger, it also adds to the isolation behind my wall of distrust.
I’m sad, really, because I want to help people. Sad, because my son has experienced disappointments of his own, witnessed situations where I have been used, and now easily writes people off. Without realizing it, I have taught him not to have faith in other people. I’m sad because I don’t want either of us to become anti-social, suspicious, or wary. I don’t want to question the motives of others, but I know in my irrational heart, my logical mind will always think twice.
I want to make the world a better place, even if it’s one kind act at a time. I want my son to see that as one person, you may not make a huge difference, but you can make a positive one.
If it wasn’t for all these damned bricks in my way…
good to see this, thanks
i just read this after reading your question about which is better to take anti-depressants and feel nothing – or to have unmanageable emotions…. this disappointment in humanity is a deep rooted one – this battle between your heart and your head – is the very thing that inspires every great story from mythological times to now – all of humanity shares this battle together – depending on if they lean more towards their heart – or away from their heart is how you can tell if what you invest into them will be reciprocated…. the less conflict an individual has with being able to hear their heart – the less they will choose themselves over others and the less they will create drama around them –
the heart is never irrational – it is only misunderstood – it is the most honest piece of ourselves – it will always tell us the truth – even when it hurts – it is our human mind that does not always want to listen – or is not able to understand just how rational our heart is – and this can cause a lot of pain and sadness too.
the clearer we are on what our heart is saying, the less of a battle there is within ourselves – and the easier it is to make choices that prevent so many bricks being added to our wall.
Love.