Nothing Like Cheating Death To Put Things In Perspective

My husband got very lucky this week. He was at work, under a tractor, when the guy in the cab pulled the wrong lever and the tractor jumped. The wheel rolled up over Stephen’s foot, onto his calf up to the the side of his knee and landed there, pinning him on a cushion of gravel. Had it been asphalt, his bones would have been shattered.

He said it was the longest five mintues of his life, his leg under all that weight, and his foot sticking out the other side of the tire. He lay there screaming at his partner, as they poor guy rushed to get a crane to lift it off of his leg.

He expected blood. He expected the searing pain of shattered bone, but as bad as it was, nothing was broken. After the paramedics left, in a combination of adrenaline and shock, he hobbled to his truck and drove home.

He said his biggest mistake was ignoring the gut feeling he had moments before the steel monster landed on him. He said he thought, “that thing is gonna get me” but he didn’t move in time. His first worry was missing work.

Now that it has been a couple of days, we both began to realize how lucky he was. Not just that he didn’t lose a leg. Or weeks of income. Had he been lying in some other position he could have easily lost his life, or an arm, and the ability to play guitar. I think that gratitude helps get him through the hellish days of sitting at home, hostage to horrible TV programming and restlessness.

In the meantime, I’ll be purchasing some life insurance on him. We were living without it, and I had never worried about it much. He always said his mom and dad would “take care” of me and Dylan if something happened to him. Well, I don’t trust that anymore. We would be screwed. His mom is a selfish you-know-what, and frankly, I don’t want to ask her for a dime.

Also, I found this very interesting and thought I’d share it: if I take out a life insurance policy on my husband, I would pay no taxes if I were to collect on that policy. But if he were he to purchase the policy and name me as a beneficiary, I would be responsible for taxes on that income. (Got that tip from The Suze Ormand Show.)

I guess now if I’m shopping for life insurance, I can’t make fun of the SelectQuote commercials anymore. I am one of those people they wanted to scare and it worked.  

 

The Difference Five Years Can Make

I am not prepared to analyze the downhill slide our country has gone through since President Bush lied to our country and declared war on Iraq. So I am going to approach this subject from a personal level.

All I know for certain is that five years ago today, my cousin, Pvt. Kelley Prewitt was new to the Army. And his first thought upon hearing that we were at war was probably “Oh, shit.”

Five years ago he had joined, like so many do, to get his life together. Five years ago, his parents had a son. His sisters had their brother. His comrades had his dedication. And sweet home Alabama had his heart. Five years ago, at age 24, Kelley had a future.

Less than one  month into the war, his life was blown apart by an Iraqi ambush. It had been 11 months since he enlisted. His funeral will always stand out in my mind as a symbol of motherly love, loss, overwhelming grief and waste.

The numbers of those who have joined him sickens me. Almost 4,000 of them.

May they rest in peace.

Not Even Impending Death Can End Bitter Feelings

I have issues with forgiveness. 

Imagine you have an friend who goes back almost 20 years. After some time apart, you run into each other… and it’s clear she’s having a hard time. You and your well-meaning husband help this friend get into a house nearby and for awhile, things are fun. But after a while, she oversteps normal boundaries… like just walking in whenever she wants to, and not returning your house key. You even come in from work and find her in your house, folding your laundry!

You expected no repayment for favors done, including a lot of home repair by your husband. But you didn’t expect more demands and little gratitude. And you didn’t expect, on top of everything else, that your friend also tried to seduce your spouse.

Imagine the feeling of betrayal. Maybe you don’t have to. This person is your last straw. You have been taken advantage of enough.

So now, each time you drive by this woman’s house you think hateful thoughts. You wish she would just go away. You regret helping her. You enjoy seeing her alone, without friends, paying some guy to cut her grass. You are petty, full of vengeful feelings that you cannot let go. You think about forgiveness, but know you can’t do it. After all, you were used, manipulated, taken for a fool. How can you forgive what she did? Screw her.

Then one day you are driving by her house and see a moving van. At last, you think! Thank God. But, things don’t seem quite right. People are coming and going. Strangers are taking her van away. Then a mutual acquaintance lets you in on the scoop: your former friend has inoperable brain cancer.

She is dying, staying with family. Waiting on the end to come.

What are you supposed to think? Are you overwhelmed with nostalgia, as if nothing happened? Do you instantly forgive everything? Do you rush to her side with tears and declarations of friendship?

Do you feel guilty, because you wished this on her? You wanted her to go away. And now when you drive by her house, it is empty. Wish granted. She is gone.

Or do you even care? Is she a different person now that she is sick? Do you think she regrets losing your friendship, or losing her free ride? Did she ever even care about you, or did she just want a shot at your man? How does her dying change anything?

This is not a story. This is my true dilemma. I have searched my heart, combed through my memories and I still feel nothing. I want to, but I can’t. That is the thing that disturbs me most.

I already know I am a heartless bitch, but if anyone has some words of wisdom for me, I would appreciate it.

Updated post:

http://ocdiva.wordpress.com/2008/05/26/wishing-her-dead/