The ‘Dead To Me’ List

Sometimes it just isn’t worth the effort. Sometimes people grow apart… once loyal and devoted friends, with whom you shared private jokes, similar opinions or mutual hatred of your boss disappear into the mist of time. Memories cloud. New people, new problems, new distractions come into your lives.

It’s not that you didn’t want to pick up the phone… but you look up and six months have gone by.

Sometimes, I am not the best friend in the world. Like my hero Stephen Colbert, I have my own  ”Dead To Me” list, and looking at the latest additions to it, I barely have any friends left. Not that I am not on their list somewhere as well. This includes one of my best friends for 10 years, an old bandmate who owes me money, a man I might have been able to love in another time or place, and a more recent ”friend” who wanted to brag about her engagement ring while I was crying about my husband. There are others, but not even worth mentioning. But letting them go is like putting ghosts on a raft and pushing them off into the ocean, and watching them float away finds me exhaling in relief.

I am, at best, a mediocre friend. I don’t respond quickly to emails. And sometimes I don’t realize that I sound unconcerned about something that is monumentally important to my friends. I also hate being the type of person who is complaining to those close to me, so I don’t stay in touch when things are not going well. But lately there hasn’t been a lot of good news or breathtaking information to share. Who wants to be on the other end of the phone when I tell them that lately I am not crying EVERY day?

I have found that going through a tough personal situation will show you how many friends you really have. Or don’t. Not that I expect anyone to lie awake at night worrying about me, but it seems that the support I am getting comes from unexpected people… and not the ones I thought I could count on. Enlightening if nothing else.

On the other hand, I am well aware that you have to be a friend to have a friend. I am one of those people that do well with just an important few who would report me missing. I don’t have a close relationship with most of my family, except my cousin Ashley and my grandmother. Because my husband and I are having problems, his mother has chosen to stop calling, basically ignoring me & her grandson. I am accustomed to her being a cold bitch at this point. She has the compassion of a Nazi. Were she to show geniune concern, I would be stunned.

Her husband, Dylan’s grandfather, is another story. They are complete opposites. I know if I need anything, I can count on him. I don’t mean financially … I’m trying to handle that on my own. It’s the fact that he expresses love and concern about Dylan. He is the only decent grandparent my son has.

While losing my marriage, it is probably a terrible time to be deleting people from my phone, and blocking MySpace users. But life is short and when you know you aren’t going to talk to someone again or you are tired of being stalked… it’s kind of cleansing. A new beginning. More space in my address book. More time in my life for people who really matter.

 

Late Justice For Megan Better Than None

Maybe Megan Meier’s parents will sleep a little better tonight. Maybe, finally, there will be a moment of peace amidst the storm that began with their 13 year-old daughter’s suicide. Death, and I would think the suicide of a child, would naturally alter the lives of the parents. But this case seems more tragic because it was so senseless.

This girl took her life due to the inconceivable acts of an adult, an adult who should have known better… an adult claiming to be looking for gossip, hiding in the vast shadow of the Internet. An adult posing as a an attractive 16 year-old boy named Josh. This boy, who didn’t exist, chatted with Megan nevertheless. He was sweet at first. She developed a crush on this boy. And when “Josh” turned ugly, it was more than the already troubled teenager could bear. It pushed her to kill herself.

Almost everyone with a television has heard about this case by now. Megan’s parents, after a year of keeping silent, waiting and letting investigators do their job, saw that clearly nothing would be done. I remember their media campaign to warn other MySpace users and clueless parents, if nothing else, to be careful.

Now that charges have been brought against Lori Drew, she will finally have to answer for her cruelty. She has already been all but ostracized in her community. And now she has been charged with one count of conspiracy, and a curious three counts of accessing protected computers without authorization to obtain information to inflict emotional distress on the victim. If that means what I think it does, she went to a lot of trouble to play around with this young girl’s mind. There may be a lot more to the story than we know.

Time and a prosecution will bring out all the details, and I hope Lori Drew pays for her premeditated, irresponsible and deadly actions. Most of all though, like Megan’s parents, I hope it serves as a warning and a deterrent. Internet harassment is rampant, especially among teens, who use it as just another form of bullying. Maybe this will begin a dialogue on how this kind of harassment can be stopped.

There should never be another young girl who hangs herself in her closet. Especially because someone told her the world would be better off without her. While the world is not better without Megan Meier, in some way, maybe she can save someone else.

Rest in peace, Megan.

 

Loving An Addict

You may think, Oh God, is that even possible? Believe me, it is. No one starts out as an addict.

This is what I’ve learned from watching someone I love deal with an addiction:

You know the old saying “it’s not hurting anyone” … It’s when addictions start to hurt that people take notice. Sometimes the last ones are the addicts themselves.

The addict isn’t the only one who is changed by the experience, those who love them are too.

The addiction isn’t my fault. I did not cause it. I can make it worse, but I can’t really make it better.

If your frustration comes out in hateful and/or violent ways, you have a problem yourself.

You may feel entitled to your anger, but serving it like a tennis ball and firing at random will destroy what is left of your relationship.

If an addict needs money, they will find a way to get it.

There is no set limit on love.

There is, however, a set limit on trust. And you can still love someone despite that. Go figure.

If you make an addict choose, you will not be chosen. They may say they choose you, but until they earn what trust they have lost, you’ll always be suspicious.

Suspicion is a horrible feeling, and no way to live. If you are up at 3 a.m. going through your loved one’s car or purse, I am talking to you.

An addict has to choose to get better because  they want to, for no other reason. Any other reason is a set up for relapse. No one else can make them choose to stop.

Addicts will lie even when they could tell the truth or even if they know they will get caught. If you imagine feeling the need to lie like that, you can see the power of the addiction.

It’s easy to say “never” until you live it.