The Slow, Painful Death Of A Marriage

He doesn’t want to live with me. I don’t really want to live with him. Our poor son is caught in the middle. We ignore our anniversary. I stay closed up, angry, and sad at the way things have turned out. He doesn’t have anywhere to go or he would be gone. His heart doesn’t belong to me anymore.  I have already grieved the life I had… the man I married. I have cried over the loss and steadied myself. I’m no longer afraid of being alone.

But he is caught up between trying to find happiness and taking care of his family. Despite the fact that his leg ended up under a tractor, he has only missed a couple of days. I admire that. I am extrememly grateful for it. And since his employer is a cheap bastard and offers NO sick days, I somehow feel responsible for all that pain. The only way I can see to help him is to take some of that burden away. I want to give him the freedom to go.

Our son’s recovery from surgery is slow and steady now. He’s doing well. And I need to go back to work, get some health insurance and let go of my marriage. Even after 22+ years, no one wants to be “an obligation.” I don’t want to depend on anyone. I want a new beginning… I can only hope that I can find a purpose, a feeling of contentment, and maybe, someone to love me.

The time that my husband spent having to lie around with his injured leg was the perfect example of two people who have little to say, and little in common. You would think that such a close call would bring us closer.  But in taking stock of life, we looked past each other. Our dreams no longer mingle together; our ideas of happiness are elusive and hard to put into words; our bond is fragile, if not already broken.

How we have come to enjoy NONE of the same things is a mystery. That phrase “grown apart” came from somewhere. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am a strong woman — I know I can do anything I want. But even strong women get lonely.

But while my son and I are very close, it would be nice to have someone else to just give me a hug every now and then. Just to tell me I’ve done well considering what life has thrown at me. Maybe even whisper in my ear that I’m still pretty.

15 Things That Work Better Than Ambien (Except More Ambien)

I took an Ambien CR at 8 p.m. one night this week. I was up again around 1:00 a.m., with a strange urge to work in my garden. Hello? It’s nightime!!!!

This medication is awful, for three reasons: it doesn’t do what it is supposed to, my insurance company won’t cover the good stuff (Rozerem) and it cost a lot more than some Benadryl.

So here are 15 things I have found that work better at helping me relax or making me sleepy (sometimes they aren’t the same thing):

15. New Age music (no flutes, please!!!)

14. Counting backward from 100 by threes. A frustrating mathematical loop that shuts my mind down.

13. C-Span

12. A power or cable outage. Just wake me up when the lights are back on.

11. Driving for 11 hours.

10. Listening to my mother-in-law on the phone (not relaxing! but BORING!)

9. Hot chocolate (two packets in a huge mug)

8. Reading anything educational (don’t make me learn…)

7. Alcohol

6. A hot bath with candles

5. A hot bath with alcohol (candles + alcohol= danger)

4. The sound of rain

3. Two Tylenol PM 

2. Good weed

1. Benadryl

 

Ambien Dreams And A Futile Quest For Sleep

So I am supposed to trust this Ambien CR because Blue Cross wouldn’t pay for Rozerem, which in my experience was a much better drug. I had trouble years ago with regular Ambien — as soon as it wore off I would wake up. Luckily I was never doing anything weird.

Then Ambien CR came along… it’s supposed to keep you asleep longer. Although you still could find out the next morning what weird thing you did, hopefully not from the authorities. The Ambien CR keeps me asleep, sort of, more knocked-out than asleep. And I have had some terrible dreams, feeling caught between what is real and what isn’t.

I dream about body parts, people getting violent, attacking or chasing me, animals hung up by the neck, driving in a panic against traffic, and desperately looking for a place to stay because I know I am hiding from someone I fear. The violent images that pop into my head stay with me for several days. I don’t wake up rested… I wake up tired. Worse yet, I wake up disturbed. Not to mention the landfill taste in my mouth.

I also wake up with a residual zombie-like feeling. Not even two cups of coffee can cut through it. I have never had that kind of hangover from alcohol or over-the-counter sleeping pills. The other morning I got up around 8 o’clock and the fog didn’t lift until around noon.

I have been taking Ambien CR for a week, and I am already giving up. A good old sleeping pill, a cup of hot chocolate or glass of wine would help more … without hurting. Knowing that there is a better medication out there without these side effects pisses me off. Am I supposed to wait until I do something weird and then complain? The chance of weird behavior is listed right there in the side effects.

I’m sure that Blue Cross knows about the risks, side effects and addictive qualities of Ambien CR, although they recommend it over other, and possibly better drugs. That is because it is cheaper. And I’m sure an investigation into the matter would uncover a money trail straight from the pharmaceutical companies to Blue Cross. As a consumer, having Blue Cross tell me which pill I should take is insulting. It makes me feel as if my premiums would do me more good in the bank drawing interest. Then I could chose what to pay for.