The Morning After: A Holiday Hangover

God, I hate Christmas in the middle of the week… especially if I don’t get any time off. I was supposed to get off early on Christmas Eve, but our branch manager didn’t seem to realize it was even a holiday. What an idiot.

So it was right back to work this morning, and I was actually surprised at how exhausted I am. I heard a co-worker say the same thing… and I realized we had a holiday hangover. All that loving family time sure can take a lot of energy… even if you aren’t the one entertaining. And if you had people over, you may fall asleep before the end of this post.

So it is finally over, and the clean-up begins. I have learned the hard way to find all my user manuals to all electronic gifts and not accidentally throw them out with the warranty cards and packaging.  Then there are boxes, to save or not to save? The bows, which ones are keepers? And where will I keep all that left over wrapping paper?

Of course, I have to put up all those decorations too! Jesus Christ (no pun intended!) Funny how I get the exact opposite feeling taking them down as I felt putting them up. Where there was a mixture of excitement and hope is a mixture of exhaustion and relief. Because honestly, I can only take so much of Christmas. Get the tree out. I’m glad it’s over… and I have six or seven whole months before the music starts up again.

Christmas Day went well; everyone loved their gifts and generally got along. The adorable puppy (a 6 month-old Jack Russell terrier) we adopted for my in-laws peed on my comforter. But if that is all that went wrong, I’m thankful. I needed to have it cleaned, anyway. My favorite gift this year is the XM radio for my Avalon. (Extra points for my husband!!!) My son gets the credit for my voice recorder… in support of what he views as some comedic talent on my part. What a compliment.

We went to dinner late, but everyone was still eating. It was hard knowing that Dylan was hungry but wouldn’t eat. Before we left, he didn’t even want any rice. It casts a shadow over my feelings about holidays to come, knowing that he may not be able to enjoy them like everyone else. It doesn’t seem fair. His cousins are all on the heavy side of healthy, but he is rail thin, his body never absorbing the nutrients it needs to thrive. If something doesn’t help him, I don’t know how we’ll cope.

So now that I can take my wreath off the door, knowing one of the worst years of my life is almost over, I am not sorry to see it go. I know that nothing really changes with the arrival of a new year, but it’s nice to symbolically get rid of the last one and try to move on. As for resolutions, I don’t bother. I have too much reality in my life right now to half-commit to false promises conjured up by my own self-loathing. Besides, any time is a good time to change, not just January 1^st. Who needs the added pressure of knowing everyone else has made resolutions too? It’s a timetable for collective failure. By February, everybody in the breakroom is depressed, giving in to the vending machine.

I think I dread the holidays not just because of family issues, but because of this feeling I get when it’s over. An inevitable, vague disappointment settles in on me, and probably a lot of other people, because Christmas is always anti-climactic compared to the holiday fantasy we have built up in our minds. Nothing makes us feel inferior like knowing everyone else is having a better time than we are. That is where my disgust with retail advertising comes in, because that is their main selling tool: using our lack of confidence against us.

Maybe one day I’ll spend Christmas day in my own home, with my own grandchildren. I’ll be older, hopefully wiser and probably more grateful. I hope I can learn to enjoy the parts of Christmas I really love and avoid the dread and stress. I want to be more zen, more able to relax.

If I can just keep the cats out of the tree….

Christmas Dinner Vs. Crohn’s Disease

We saw the specialist. Three more months. Depending on what you are waiting on, it might not seem like long. But if you are waiting on pain relief, like my son, it seems like forever. What makes it worse is that he is going to have to go through more pain to get there. He has to learn to give himself Humira injections, and for a kid terrified of needles, that is the slimy coating on the whole mess. My son took it hard. After hearing the news, he was quiet. But true to his usual displays of courage, he was laughing after awhile.

His Crohn’s disease involves a lot of inflammation, which Humira should bring down. Along with his immune system and general feeling of well-being. The symptoms are rough, and involves even more stomach upset than he is used to. The only light at the end of the tunnel is surgery, and then, major improvement.

Still we have Christmas coming up. And like Thanksgiving, it centers around food. Our annual trek to the grandparents for turkey in November was interrupted by Dylan asking me to take him home right after the meal. I didn’t want to go back without him. So I want to avoid that on Christmas, and asked my mother-in-law to change the usual eat-then-open-presents schedule. But she thinks it would be just as good to let Dylan eat by himself when it’s all done.

I am livid. And hurt. Is he not worth the inconvenience? I am not eating Christmas dinner while my son sits there and waits. But I want to let my husband enjoy dinner with his family so I am torn.

Food is already a sensitive issue with me…. Because of Dylan, I don’t eat certain things. At least not in front of him. And even then, if I am eating BBQ or ice cream, I am usually sitting in my car. Like I am smoking crack or cheating on my husband. Leading a double life. Feeling guilty the whole time. It’s a horrible feeling. But I would feel much worse if I didn’t consider his feelings. I couldn’t enjoy a Christmas meal knowing that he was hungry, and that he was hungry because he wanted to spend time with his family. Honestly, I’ll probably boycott dinner.

Before Crohn’s disease hit around age 14, my son wanted to be a chef. That is like wanting to be a farmer and being allergic to grass. When eating food started causing him pain, his interest in cooking became a matter of function and nothing else. He used to have such great ideas for new dishes. Now he will never know the creative outlet of making and trying his own recipes, unless it is for a Crohn’s diet. His interests now are in art, writing and mostly music. But I still feel like this disease stole more than just his health from him. More than just dreams, but the ability to make some dreams come true.

Strangely, three months is how much longer I will have my job with ADT. But it is going to kill me every day I have to go to work and leave Dylan there alone with his side effects, with his school work getting more behind every day, with all his feelings of frustration, with his exhaustion. And without his mom.

No Real Holiday For The Homeless

You probably see them, but don’t really notice homeless people. Maybe the occasional hitchhiker on the highway. But unless you drive through Mississippi or New Orleans and see the people living under the interstates, you can’t really imagine the number of people that have nowhere to live. In most cities, they are hidden, scattered and easy to ignore. But those people, even entire families without homes are growing in numbers, especially since Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf coast states.

If you haven’t given to a charity this year, it isn’t too late, and Christmas is the best time to do it. We are all overspending on our family, even if we are cutting back. None of us need any of that stuff, really. Not compared to a person without a place to sleep at night. Remember the movie “Trading Places?” How would a homeless person feel, looking around your house, at all your belongings? And how would you feel out there, with nowhere to go? For a lot of people, that is reality. There is no planning or thought of the future when all your concentration and energy is spent on survival. During the holidays, whichever one you celebrate, or just because it is cold outside, we should all donate enough to feed at least one family a Christmas dinner. It doesn’t cost a lot (compared to how much we can spend at Wal-Mart). Maybe we should forgo some of the extra expenses we put on ourselves this time of year. You know, the stupid stuff… like presents for our pets.

I spent a summer homeless. But I had advantages on some. I had friends with sofas and extra beds, and I had a car. It held everything I owned. I also live in the south, and since it was not winter, suffering was at a minimum. I was 19 years old. I was a loud, opinionated disappointment to my parents, a girl who would not be abused by her father, but was too dumb to know what could happen when you are alone with no place to be. Not everyone was ready to take advantage of me, but a few people tried. And it was harder WAY BACK in ’85… no one had cell phones. You get educated fast when all you have is your Mustang and some phone numbers … and then you have to hunt down a pay phone to call someone. The night is very dark when you know everyone else is comfortable and safe in their warm beds. It is the most lonely feeling there is.

But I also had taken a civil service exam, which led to a job at Social Securiy. That gave me the means to rescue myself. So many other people don’t have that kind of chance.

I see homeless people everywhere, mainly because I can spot them. Sometimes it is obvious… they carry everything they have in a backpack, but sometimes it isn’t something you can put your finger on. There just seems to be a desperation, or sadness, or apathy in their eyes… too exhausted or hungry to be bitter or envious. It is very hard to climb your way back into society and stay there. Homeless people are human, just like us, with our cars and apartments and internet. The only difference is some of us haven’t lost everything.

No one claims that a meal is going to change anyone’s situation or circumstance. But that holiday meal can be a reminder that people care. If you can’t afford to give financially, then go through your clothes and donate anything you haven’t worn in a year. Dress for Success is an excellent program that provides women the clothes and support they need to get back into the workforce after a life setback. If time is all you have to give, then you can volunteer.

There are many ways to make a difference in someone else’s life… During such a hectic time of overspending and materialism, we should take a moment to think about those who are really in need. While the rest of the world puts up Christmas trees, they are worried about the cold. 

So please share a little love somehow. I promise you won’t regret it.