The Irrational Heart

Common wisdom and rational thought will tell you that people can only hurt us as much as we let them. While we aren’t in control of the situation or another person’s actions, we are at least in control of our own actions or reactions. As human beings, it is in our nature to embrace what little control we do have.

Where we have logic on one shoulder, we have the whisperings of the heart on the other. And they can be as different as good and evil, night and day, love and hate. Some people are ruled more by one than the other. And when the manipulative, ungrateful, and thoughtless among us take advantage of the generous, the kind, and the trusting, worlds collide, feelings are hurt, and in my case, faith in humanity is questioned, but not completely lost.

For a self-proclaimed cynic, I have many hidden soft spots, that inevitably are used against me. I am one of those who share everything I have and can love you like family. But I feel like every time someone hurts me, when I honestly did nothing to deserve it, as Pink Floyd so adequately chanted, “all in all, its just another brick in the wall…”

I just added a few today.

Sadly, if you live long enough, that wall can get too high to see over. The best you can do is shout at people passing by, and if one of them stops long enough, you can be friends. But with the wall between you, there is a boundary that keeps either of you from reaching out or getting closer. After time, you will notice that one day, they tire of you and say goodbye. Or maybe one day, there is only silence.

I rarely feel sorry for myself… although the last three years have been hell. The worst part, of course, is watching my son struggle against complications of Crohn’s disease. I do admit feeling sorry for him. But I don’t expect pity from others. I am a strong woman, and I guess that while every brick someone throws at me makes me even stronger, it also adds to the isolation behind my wall of distrust.

I’m sad, really, because I want to help people. Sad, because my son has experienced disappointments of his own, witnessed situations where I have been used, and now easily writes people off. Without realizing it, I have taught him not to have faith in other people. I’m sad because I don’t want either of us to become anti-social, suspicious, or wary. I don’t want to question the motives of others, but I know in my irrational heart, my logical mind will always think twice.

I want to make the world a better place, even if it’s one kind act at a time. I want my son to see that as one person, you may not make a huge difference, but you can make a positive one.

If it wasn’t for all these damned bricks in my way…

I Took The Happy? Pill

I didn’t want to. I hate the idea. Plus I will be a zombie for entire weekend. I’ve had the prescription for months, but thought I could handle everything the life and my brain were throwing at me.

I was wrong. At lunch today, in the car, I fell apart. I had been holding it in since this morning when my son told me he wished he was dead. The Crohn’s disease, the social isolation, the uncertainty of life has caused him to be anxious, depressed, and inclined to hurt himself.

This has happened more than once. And at 3 a.m. this morning, we were sitting on the bed crying together. Granted, he is sick. He says he has terrible insomnia and cannot sleep. I have been distracted by my own selfish dramas. Neither of us are doing well. But I decided right then, I had to do something. It was really hard to leave him and just go to work today.

He has tried two different antidepressants himself … both with ill effects. I called the doctor and he advised that we take him to the hospital, which is what I was afraid of. They may admit him. And if that saves his life, he may hate me forever. But he’ll be alive.

I feel like I am drowning in an emotinal whirlpool… and the last thing I was going to grab was a bottle of pills. But I’ve tried everything else. I’ve been crying every day for two weeks now. I have a lot of reasons to cry, but I can’t solve anything that way.

I have no illusions that the pill I took is going to make me “happy”… or even help me for weeks. But I had to do someithing. I have to be able to think clearly, and look past my own sadness for a solution to this. I am not going to lose my son. No matter what I have to do. Even if I have to grow up, set an example, and follow my own doctor’s instructions. I just hope it helps.

It’s obvious to me I am not doing much better than he is. And I can’t help him that way.

The Insight Of Experience

I think people come into your life for a reason. At the time, you usually don’t even think about why that might be. But when they are gone, especially if it hurts, you start asking yourself, what just happened? What did I do? How could I be so stupid? What is their problem? What is my problem? What was the point in that? 

Some things end up feeling like a huge mistake, or some weird universal joke you aren’t in on. And it is very easy to bask in your self-pity and/or heartbreak. But between crying jags, it’s important to ask yourself, is there something to learn from this? For instance, don’t lend friends money. I learned that the hard way. You’ll never see either one of them again.

I recently met someone who had more to teach me than I realized. It didn’t end well. I regret that, because it was my fault. But I think I came away from it with a much better understanding of myself. I learned how easily someone can hurt me, if I let them. I learned that I should keep my guard up in the future. I learned that I should SLOW DOWN. I discovered a side of myself I never knew. And I learned that sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

Of course, some memories have nothing to teach us. They just are: a once happy memory, maybe tinged with regret and thoughts of what could have been. Memories of loss. Nostalgia. Sentiment. Memories of suffering we will never understand. Wrongs we can never make right. Memories of people we will always miss.

But it is only human nature that we try to get answers. Without trying to gain some insight, it would all be for nothing. After all, our experiences are but tiny stars in the sky for us to gaze upon and wonder.

Of course, some of them twinkle more brightly.