Facing The Past And Looking Forward

Today is my son’s 17th birthday. What a difference a year makes.

Last year, my husband, son and I were in a Destin, Florida townhouse on the bay celebrating his birthday with his first lobster. Laying by the pool, feeling the sun on our faces. A life taken for granted. A life now gone.

Today, my husband and I are not together, and divorce is down the road. I was downsized for a second time, and just started ANOTHER job. Between my unemployment and the high cost of living, all our money is gone… there won’t be any more trips for a long time. I am broke until I get my first paycheck Friday.

My son Dylan is recovering from a much-needed surgery, which is the only silver lining in the dark clouds I face every time I stop and let myself think. 

I know that analyzing yesterday isn’t as important figuring out tomorrow. But it is overwhelming. After 22 years of security, contentment, love and companionship, it’s hard to just see one car in the driveway. When Stephen was in Ohio, I knew he was coming home. This time he isn’t.

The details of all that led up to this seem trivial now; they are the same things that break up marriages every day… because while all divorces are different, they are essentially the same. They are the end. They hurt. They are the death of a family.

I watch my son shutting out his father, but there is a conflict I cannot fix. I cannot heal their relationship. I can only hope that one day they find their way back to each other. Tonight, Stephen is coming by to see Dylan for his birthday, but I don’t know what to expect. I can only hope at some point, they can be close again.

For me, it’s the letting go that’s hard… not so much saying goodbye to the past, but losing dreams I shared with Stephen, for our future. That is what I grieve the most. Knowing that next year, when my son is feeling better, the three of us won’t be back in Destin to have more lobster. And all the other things we will never do. It breaks my heart.

But like I said, what a difference a year makes. After everything life has taught me, I wouldn’t dare guess what could happen by the time he turns 18. I just know with time, I feel… I hope… and I HAVE TO BELIEVE that as he recovers, my heart will also mend. And we’ll both be able to see through the clouds. Maybe even feel the sun on our faces again. 

 

The Waiting Game

I really miss the guy I married. I guess somewhere inside my husband, that guy still remembers me. But it’s been a long long time. And a lot of mean, twisted, ugly things have been said, accusations hurled, limits  reached. We somehow turned each other into people we didn’t even like.

But I still miss him. I wish I could ask him to just come lay with me, and he would. Just to hold me… not talking about problems or solutions or the past or the future, except what the weather will be like in the morning. I miss my old life when I took everything for granted, even the security of his arms around me.

So much drama… talk of “working on our relationship,” making positive changes, good intentions. Time will tell. And like Tom Petty said, waiting is the hardest part. I refuse to hope. I refuse to invest my already broken heart in a sinking ship. I refuse to be in the position I was once in: clueless, trusting, naive. The truth is easy to talk about but hard to live. Once it’s gone, it will take everything else with it. If things don’t work out, I cannot afford to be destroyed. I am a mother. I will be a strong woman, even if it kills me.

Even so, it sure would feel good to be held again. To see the eyes of the man I loved so many years ago looking back at me. To be able to feel the love I lived with for so long, and then lost. Love I remember like a blue sky, a sweet taste, a warm blanket. As much a part of me as my blood and lungs.

I wonder if I can live without him.

Is Marriage Sacred? Depends On The Couple…

Today’s refusal by The California Supreme Court to stay its decision legalizing same-sex marriage in the state is a small victory in the fight for gay rights, but also human rights. The same way women winning the right to vote demonstrated a small step in the evolution of human thinking. It’s a shame it takes us so damn long. 
 
So now the way is clear for gays and lesbians in California to get married starting June 17. While it gives many couples reason to celebrate, a lot of other people don’t like it  I guess because of cultural and social tradition, if discussing gay rights, the word “marriage” is used, everyone gets all uptight. God forbid anyone in this country promote love, family, unity and fidelity. It is so much more American (and apparently Christian) to divide people into little groups, judge them and deny them rights based on a majority opinion.
 
Well, I hate to tell you, but good old-fashioned marriage isn’t a majority anymore. From our friends at the CDC:

More people are part of second marriages today than first marriages. 

One-quarter of all Americans have experienced at least one divorce.   

In 1970, 68 percent of adults lived as married couples, but this percentage steadily declined to 56 percent. Additionally, every year since the late 1970s more than 1 million divorces have occurred, and cohabitation accounted for more than four million couples in 1997 (Washington Times, 6/6/99). Think about that for a minute.  

 

 

Now shut up about how “sacred” and “special” marriage is, already. Like I said in a former post: “Forget feeding the hungry or curing the sick… gay people want to get married and we must stop them!” As if marriage is so great we have to keep it exclusive. Like the front of the bus. –http://ocdiva.wordpress.com/2008/01/01/just-southern-not-dumb-or-bigoted/ 

And it’s only my opinion, but using the Bible to back up a reason to ban gay marriage is like using it to ban shellfish and makeup (both of which are supposed abominations to God as well!) So I don’t engage in any argument that includes a chapter and verse.
 
I have been married 22 years now. To a man. (It’s true!) But really, in the Big Picture, does that fact make a huge difference in our lives? Outside of sex, which is what everyone is really all in a fuss about, the answer is a big fat NO. I believe that two women or two men could live almost the same life we do. No, they can’t reproduce biological children… but how many children are already here in this world, without parents or anyone to really love them? For that reason alone, even I don’t feel the need to “make” another child. Were I to decide to become a parent again, I would adopt. Other than that one issue, I cannot see how our lives could not be similar.
 
We all laugh, sleep, eat, go to the store, brush our teeth, love our pets, and bleed red when we cut ourselves preparing dinner. We buy cars, pay taxes, take trips and watch movies. Does it really matter what turns any of us on? I bet Larry Craig wishes it didn’t.
 
Funny that some of the most bizarre sexual scandals in the past year came from the Republican side of our government. There are some bonified freaks in Congress. And the ones who just seem to get caught all belong to the party of Vice President Dick Cheney. His daughter Mary is homosexual, which is no secret. Just don’t ask him about it. I noticed that her precious little girl is featured in a TV ad with him and his wife Lynne Cheney – but without her mom, Mary. As if he cannot even acknowledge her by including her in his idea of what a “normal” family looks like. It might be too American, and not  Republican enough for someone like Dick to come out and support his daughter’s right to marry her partner. For some reason I don’t understand, she supports his right to deny her that. 
 
Maybe it is all in the language. When anyone talks about civil unions, no one even looks up anymore. But say the word “marriage” and all the Fundamentalist grab their Bibles and hit their knees in prayer. They do have a crazy attachment to the idea of the missionary position. Marriage + missionary position = children to work the farm. It’s a cultural thing. I can just hear it… It’s what Daddy did and his daddy before him… and even though he hated Grandma, they suffered 58 years of wedded bliss before he shot her. 
 
People hate change. People hate anyone different from them. Some people don’t understand why anyone would say “fabulous,” or have more than one piercing. And since they don’t get it, well, it just shouldn’t happen. No wonder the world is going to hell in a hand basket, what with these nutty kids and their funny-colored hair. No morals. A bunch of slackers covered with tattoos. All sleeping around.
 
It scares people when rocks are turned over and certain subjects see the light of day. Suddenly, uncomfortable things are up for discussion. The decent, human, enlightened thing to do would be to discuss them… to consider them… to ask oneself if it really matters, or if tradition has clouded the issue. Unfortunately, some people will die with their hands over their ears. Others, though, will learn that the only way to live is to let others do the same.