I Survived “The Today Show” With Kathie Lee & Mario Cantone

NBC’s “The Today Show” was on TV. I was vaguely aware that Kathie Lee Gifford was going to be on the last hour. I hope they fire whoever came up with that idea. Anyway, I was busy and somehow she snuck in on me. I was actually in another room when I heard a voice burst into song, for lack of a better word — it was a sound that was tuneless and without key, like a show tune. Of course, I should have known: it was Kathie Lee. God! And to top it all off, she was standing there with comedian Mario Cantone, a person who obviously brings out the worst in her.

If you know me, then you probably know I hate show tunes. Even the ones that almost sound like music. I may have vocalized my dislike of  Kathie Lee “I’d-be-a-bitch-if-you-weren’t-paying-me” Gifford,  but usually she just makes my eyes roll. Her fake cheerfulness is that of a cheerleader who really hates your guts.  

As for Mario Cantone, I like him, but he’s like finding yourself in a gay bar, even if your not in the mood. He does zany impressions of Katherine Hepburn and Liza Minnelli… and I’m sure he’s great fun at a drag show. But put him with Kathie Lee in a cooking segment about pizza, and something inside me just dies. Watching them pound dough even ruins pizza for me somehow. Suddenly it’s just too fabulous.

I have never been so thankful for a commercial break. The last thing I just heard was Cantone singing “Everything’s comin’ up roses!”

I have about four minutes. I really have to find my remote. I guess I’ll be watching CBS in the mornings now.

Resurrection on Good Friday This Year

I have officially been awake for 25 hours and 32 minutes as of now. My son Dylan, who suffers from Crohn’s disease, went in for a resection yesterday morning — and I just came home for a nap. On a Friday morning. It feels strange. But it also feels wonderful, because the surgery went well and this is a new beginning for him.

It’s just going to take some recovery time.

Right now, my baby is lying uncomfortably in a bed at UAB hospital, hooked to an IV, with a tube down his throat and a tube in, well, you can imagine. He also has a morphine pump that he thinks isn’t giving him enough pain relief. He had some trouble sleeping and so the doctor prescribed some magical substances that kept him quiet for a little while.

But part of his brain is tripping from the anesthesia, and he has said a lot of strange things… like someone slipped him a hit of LSD. I know though that he will wake up, back to his usual self soon. I watched a lot of improvement sitting with him all night. I am going back as soon as I can recharge my batteries… in my cell phone and in my exhausted brain.

(FYI: Right after the surgery, I got a call from Blue Cross, who I am beginning to believe is the Anti-Christ, asking about more paperwork from me. Nothing I haven’t got, though. Still looking for that bonus to deny my son his procedure. Cheap bastards!)

Thank you to any and all who said a prayer. They worked! Stay tuned!

Please Just Leave Britney Alone!!

So now the little starlett who has fallen from the sky is in the hospital. Maybe she partied a little too hard. Maybe she has serious mental problems. I really question the sanity of any mother who could let her children be taken from her, who has been so unwilling to comply with the courts, and otherwise, seems too overwhelmed by motherhood to cope properly. I actually have complex feelings about this rich girl who I have never met.

I pity her in some ways… watching from my anonymity as her life and career slowly crumble and seeing the crush of people around her. None of whom probably give a damn about her, including those on her payroll. Apparently, it doesn’t bother some people to stand by and watch a young mother come apart if they are getting a nice ride on her gravy train. And on the subject of motherhood, where is her mother? Maybe she’s at the hospital where she should be. Maybe now she will consider a book on how NOT to parent. Or maybe she will realize that her daughter is more important than making a few bucks telling stories from her childhood. What is wrong with her? Lady, there are people placing bets on the day your daughter dies, and I’m sure the odds just changed … get your priorities straight.

God!

In some ways I am also jealous of Britney… not because of the fame (I would hate that), or the money and the house, although they are nice. I certainly don’t envy her career because there isn’t much to envy. But being carted out of your house to the hospital for pity and pills in a cup… I’m in! If I knew how to snap, I would. Under the crushing weight of unemployment, marital problems, financial stress and my son’s health, I deserve at least a three day stay. And if they could throw in a back rub and a mud wrap, that would be great.