I’ll Survive If It Kills Me

What is it they say? Change is good. You go first.

Well, this starting over thing is getting to  me. I got used to life being a certain way… then the rug was pulled out from under me. Only it wasn’t all at once, like the old tablecloth trick, where the dishes remain intact. This was gradual, slow and painful, and I would liken it more to quicksand. I lost my footing, found nothing to hold onto… and eventually, I was swallowed up.

Now it’s as if I came out on the other side, an Alice in her own surreal wonderland, where nothing is as it should be, or as it appears. I have distanced myself, heart and mind, from my old life… it doesn’t hurt as much that way. But looking around, even in familiar places, I often don’t know where I am. More importantly, I don’t know WHO I am. I always defined myself as a wife and mother. Now the wife role is one I no longer play. I miss it. I don’t know if I would do it again. But now, as I take it on alone, I am grateful for the little things that put a smile on my face. I don’t think much about the future. I can’t. The fact that I am on my own sinks in a little more every day… and that is enough.

Worry takes me over sometimes. Everything from financial stress to concern over Dylan’s health and future. I try to hide it, but lately I don’t know that I’m doing too well. Because being alone and feeling totally responsible for my son is new and a little scary, even for me.

My husband is struggling too, having finally realized that it is not going to work out. That I don’t have it in me. I am done. I’m tired. Even though in some ways, it would be the more comfortable, but lazy, thing to do, I still can’t do it. I would rather take the chance that I may find some happiness, and be lucky enough to find love again. It is sad that after all these years, we now have different paths to take. But I choose to climb toward a new beginning, rather than hike through an unfriendly wilderness. I know I am going alone, but even with all the baggage, I am determined to avoid the quicksand.  

 

The ‘Dead To Me’ List

Sometimes it just isn’t worth the effort. Sometimes people grow apart… once loyal and devoted friends, with whom you shared private jokes, similar opinions or mutual hatred of your boss disappear into the mist of time. Memories cloud. New people, new problems, new distractions come into your lives.

It’s not that you didn’t want to pick up the phone… but you look up and six months have gone by.

Sometimes, I am not the best friend in the world. Like my hero Stephen Colbert, I have my own  ”Dead To Me” list, and looking at the latest additions to it, I barely have any friends left. Not that I am not on their list somewhere as well. This includes one of my best friends for 10 years, an old bandmate who owes me money, a man I might have been able to love in another time or place, and a more recent ”friend” who wanted to brag about her engagement ring while I was crying about my husband. There are others, but not even worth mentioning. But letting them go is like putting ghosts on a raft and pushing them off into the ocean, and watching them float away finds me exhaling in relief.

I am, at best, a mediocre friend. I don’t respond quickly to emails. And sometimes I don’t realize that I sound unconcerned about something that is monumentally important to my friends. I also hate being the type of person who is complaining to those close to me, so I don’t stay in touch when things are not going well. But lately there hasn’t been a lot of good news or breathtaking information to share. Who wants to be on the other end of the phone when I tell them that lately I am not crying EVERY day?

I have found that going through a tough personal situation will show you how many friends you really have. Or don’t. Not that I expect anyone to lie awake at night worrying about me, but it seems that the support I am getting comes from unexpected people… and not the ones I thought I could count on. Enlightening if nothing else.

On the other hand, I am well aware that you have to be a friend to have a friend. I am one of those people that do well with just an important few who would report me missing. I don’t have a close relationship with most of my family, except my cousin Ashley and my grandmother. Because my husband and I are having problems, his mother has chosen to stop calling, basically ignoring me & her grandson. I am accustomed to her being a cold bitch at this point. She has the compassion of a Nazi. Were she to show geniune concern, I would be stunned.

Her husband, Dylan’s grandfather, is another story. They are complete opposites. I know if I need anything, I can count on him. I don’t mean financially … I’m trying to handle that on my own. It’s the fact that he expresses love and concern about Dylan. He is the only decent grandparent my son has.

While losing my marriage, it is probably a terrible time to be deleting people from my phone, and blocking MySpace users. But life is short and when you know you aren’t going to talk to someone again or you are tired of being stalked… it’s kind of cleansing. A new beginning. More space in my address book. More time in my life for people who really matter.

 

Is Marriage Sacred? Depends On The Couple…

Today’s refusal by The California Supreme Court to stay its decision legalizing same-sex marriage in the state is a small victory in the fight for gay rights, but also human rights. The same way women winning the right to vote demonstrated a small step in the evolution of human thinking. It’s a shame it takes us so damn long. 
 
So now the way is clear for gays and lesbians in California to get married starting June 17. While it gives many couples reason to celebrate, a lot of other people don’t like it  I guess because of cultural and social tradition, if discussing gay rights, the word “marriage” is used, everyone gets all uptight. God forbid anyone in this country promote love, family, unity and fidelity. It is so much more American (and apparently Christian) to divide people into little groups, judge them and deny them rights based on a majority opinion.
 
Well, I hate to tell you, but good old-fashioned marriage isn’t a majority anymore. From our friends at the CDC:

More people are part of second marriages today than first marriages. 

One-quarter of all Americans have experienced at least one divorce.   

In 1970, 68 percent of adults lived as married couples, but this percentage steadily declined to 56 percent. Additionally, every year since the late 1970s more than 1 million divorces have occurred, and cohabitation accounted for more than four million couples in 1997 (Washington Times, 6/6/99). Think about that for a minute.  

 

 

Now shut up about how “sacred” and “special” marriage is, already. Like I said in a former post: “Forget feeding the hungry or curing the sick… gay people want to get married and we must stop them!” As if marriage is so great we have to keep it exclusive. Like the front of the bus. –http://ocdiva.wordpress.com/2008/01/01/just-southern-not-dumb-or-bigoted/ 

And it’s only my opinion, but using the Bible to back up a reason to ban gay marriage is like using it to ban shellfish and makeup (both of which are supposed abominations to God as well!) So I don’t engage in any argument that includes a chapter and verse.
 
I have been married 22 years now. To a man. (It’s true!) But really, in the Big Picture, does that fact make a huge difference in our lives? Outside of sex, which is what everyone is really all in a fuss about, the answer is a big fat NO. I believe that two women or two men could live almost the same life we do. No, they can’t reproduce biological children… but how many children are already here in this world, without parents or anyone to really love them? For that reason alone, even I don’t feel the need to “make” another child. Were I to decide to become a parent again, I would adopt. Other than that one issue, I cannot see how our lives could not be similar.
 
We all laugh, sleep, eat, go to the store, brush our teeth, love our pets, and bleed red when we cut ourselves preparing dinner. We buy cars, pay taxes, take trips and watch movies. Does it really matter what turns any of us on? I bet Larry Craig wishes it didn’t.
 
Funny that some of the most bizarre sexual scandals in the past year came from the Republican side of our government. There are some bonified freaks in Congress. And the ones who just seem to get caught all belong to the party of Vice President Dick Cheney. His daughter Mary is homosexual, which is no secret. Just don’t ask him about it. I noticed that her precious little girl is featured in a TV ad with him and his wife Lynne Cheney – but without her mom, Mary. As if he cannot even acknowledge her by including her in his idea of what a “normal” family looks like. It might be too American, and not  Republican enough for someone like Dick to come out and support his daughter’s right to marry her partner. For some reason I don’t understand, she supports his right to deny her that. 
 
Maybe it is all in the language. When anyone talks about civil unions, no one even looks up anymore. But say the word “marriage” and all the Fundamentalist grab their Bibles and hit their knees in prayer. They do have a crazy attachment to the idea of the missionary position. Marriage + missionary position = children to work the farm. It’s a cultural thing. I can just hear it… It’s what Daddy did and his daddy before him… and even though he hated Grandma, they suffered 58 years of wedded bliss before he shot her. 
 
People hate change. People hate anyone different from them. Some people don’t understand why anyone would say “fabulous,” or have more than one piercing. And since they don’t get it, well, it just shouldn’t happen. No wonder the world is going to hell in a hand basket, what with these nutty kids and their funny-colored hair. No morals. A bunch of slackers covered with tattoos. All sleeping around.
 
It scares people when rocks are turned over and certain subjects see the light of day. Suddenly, uncomfortable things are up for discussion. The decent, human, enlightened thing to do would be to discuss them… to consider them… to ask oneself if it really matters, or if tradition has clouded the issue. Unfortunately, some people will die with their hands over their ears. Others, though, will learn that the only way to live is to let others do the same.