My husband got very lucky this week. He was at work, under a tractor, when the guy in the cab pulled the wrong lever and the tractor jumped. The wheel rolled up over Stephen’s foot, onto his calf up to the the side of his knee and landed there, pinning him on a cushion of gravel. Had it been asphalt, his bones would have been shattered.

He said it was the longest five mintues of his life, his leg under all that weight, and his foot sticking out the other side of the tire. He lay there screaming at his partner, as they poor guy rushed to get a crane to lift it off of his leg.

He expected blood. He expected the searing pain of shattered bone, but as bad as it was, nothing was broken. After the paramedics left, in a combination of adrenaline and shock, he hobbled to his truck and drove home.

He said his biggest mistake was ignoring the gut feeling he had moments before the steel monster landed on him. He said he thought, “that thing is gonna get me” but he didn’t move in time. His first worry was missing work.

Now that it has been a couple of days, we both began to realize how lucky he was. Not just that he didn’t lose a leg. Or weeks of income. Had he been lying in some other position he could have easily lost his life, or an arm, and the ability to play guitar. I think that gratitude helps get him through the hellish days of sitting at home, hostage to horrible TV programming and restlessness.

In the meantime, I’ll be purchasing some life insurance on him. We were living without it, and I had never worried about it much. He always said his mom and dad would “take care” of me and Dylan if something happened to him. Well, I don’t trust that anymore. We would be screwed. His mom is a selfish you-know-what, and frankly, I don’t want to ask her for a dime.

Also, I found this very interesting and thought I’d share it: if I take out a life insurance policy on my husband, I would pay no taxes if I were to collect on that policy. But if he were he to purchase the policy and name me as a beneficiary, I would be responsible for taxes on that income. (Got that tip from The Suze Ormand Show.)

I guess now if I’m shopping for life insurance, I can’t make fun of the SelectQuote commercials anymore. I am one of those people they wanted to scare and it worked.  

Funny I should think about him now, after all this time. I mean, I am married. But what they say is true, I am not dead.

And I do think about him… that guy… the one who moved away and took a new job, That guy out in the world doing his thing, probably never reading my blog. I’m sure everyone he works with loves him. I used to work with him… I liked his sense of humor. I also liked the way he walked into a room. I liked everything about him.

He wasn’t The One Who Got Away. Or maybe he was. I didn’t really try to keep him. I didn’t cheat on my husband. But I would be stupid to lie and say I didn’t think about it. Nothing happened but words. And attraction. It can be powerful. But it isn’t everything. In retrospect, had we somehow “hooked up” I would have lost respect for us both. 

And I wouldn’t still think of him like I do.

One reason I think of him is because he looked at the ring on my finger and drew the line right there. I didn’t have to. He had honor. He respected me. That took my breath away almost as much as if he had laid one on me. He was always a gentleman. Not being in our 20s, maybe the benefit of experience helped. Once, he told me he had jumped out of too many windows.

The other reason I think about him is because of a few personal thoughts he shared with me, when we were getting to know each other. He wrote me, and he said something about “the universe of possible lives…”  It still brings up a feeling like I want to cry. I knew what he meant. If only we had met in a different time or place. I felt the same way. Exactly. I’m sure we all have many “possible lives” out there, but when do you look into the eyes of one?

I am left to wonder if I think of him because I romanticize things as time passes. Or because I am not at the happiest stage of my marriage. Being married doesn’t keep me from having feelings. Or maybe it’s because I’m at a crossroads in life. And I’m tired. Don’t we all get tired of our life sometimes?

Is it the possible life, like the greener grass, that looks so good from here? Or is it something else to it? I wish I knew. Though in the bigger scheme of things, it probably doesn’t matter. I can only hope he finds someone to love, and she holds onto him.

I would.

In Eldorado, TX, the raid of the polygamist compound built by followers of jailed leader Warren Jeffs has resulted in rescuing, at last count, 416 children.

What took so long? What were they waiting on? A phone call… to tell them what they already knew.

Apparently, if you want to molest children without persecution or prosecution, just call yourself a religion. It worked for the Catholics. Not only can you immerse yourself in your favorite creepy sex fetish, you get a tax break!

The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints runs Jeffs’ polygamist sect. So if you like little girls, you can just “marry” them. The male ”elders” of the cult kick out all the younger men so there won’t be any lust or ridiculous puppy love getting in the way. Their philosophy is ”if anyone is going to molest my neice, it’s gonna be me.”

The boys who are banished from the cult are known as “The Lost Boys”  http://www.childbrides.org/boys.html)

Separation of church and state is one thing, but for years Texas used this excuse as a reason not to legally pursue this group. Knowing how Texas deals with problems, I am surprised at the protective attitude they had toward a group of child molesters. Respect for religion? Excuse me? What made Texas decide to surround these people and “rescue” them, rather than burning them to the ground? Why were these children worth saving when the ones in Waco were not?

“The children remain in state-run shelters, but it now appears their moms were separated from the children involuntarily this afternoon and taken back to the FLDS compound. Apparently without proper good-byes for a separation that could be long-term, or even permanent.

For the last week and a half, 416 children and 139 adult women have been at state-run shelters in San Angelo. The women were free to leave but were told that if they did, they couldn’t come back to their children.

Late this afternoon, FLDS spokesman Rod Parker told us all the women and children were put on buses this afternoon, supposedly to go to a new shelter. But the women were taken, instead, back to the FLDS compound and dropped off.

Parker says the separation of the mothers from their children was involuntary.”

The reasoning authorities give is “this is how we handle abuse cases.” I don’t argue that authorities should question the children, but I hope they will let them return to the loving arms of their mother afterwards. Most likely their mother is only a child herself.

This is uncharted territory, dealing with so many victims, many of whom are completely brainwashed. The members who decided to return to their ranch after the raid are talking to “secular” people (anyone who doesn’t belong to their group) – some for the first time in their life. They are watching as outsiders are entering their home, and their sacred places of worship. For them, this is probably confusing and traumatizing.

Other people decided to leave the ranch. They took their first chance on freedom and I wish them luck.

I can only wonder how it feels for them, waking up in a strange place, suddenly homeless, suddenly questioning everything they’ve been taught. Finally realizing that they actually have rights.

Imagine the relief of a teenage girl as her husband/molester is taken away… and the fear that follows as she wonders what is going to happen to her and her children.

I took an Ambien CR at 8 p.m. one night this week. I was up again around 1:00 a.m., with a strange urge to work in my garden. Hello? It’s nightime!!!!

This medication is awful, for three reasons: it doesn’t do what it is supposed to, my insurance company won’t cover the good stuff (Rozerem) and it cost a lot more than some Benadryl.

So here are 15 things I have found that work better at helping me relax or making me sleepy (sometimes they aren’t the same thing):

15. New Age music (no flutes, please!!!)

14. Counting backward from 100 by threes. A frustrating mathematical loop that shuts my mind down.

13. C-Span

12. A power or cable outage. Just wake me up when the lights are back on.

11. Driving for 11 hours.

10. Listening to my mother-in-law on the phone (not relaxing! but BORING!)

9. Hot chocolate (two packets in a huge mug)

8. Reading anything educational (don’t make me learn…)

7. Alcohol

6. A hot bath with candles

5. A hot bath with alcohol (candles + alcohol= danger)

4. The sound of rain

3. Two Tylenol PM 

2. Good weed

1. Benadryl

NBC’s “The Today Show” was on TV. I was vaguely aware that Kathie Lee Gifford was going to be on the last hour. I hope they fire whoever came up with that idea. Anyway, I was busy and somehow she snuck in on me. I was actually in another room when I heard a voice burst into song, for lack of a better word — it was a sound that was tuneless and without key, like a show tune. Of course, I should have known: it was Kathie Lee. God! And to top it all off, she was standing there with comedian Mario Cantone, a person who obviously brings out the worst in her.

If you know me, then you probably know I hate show tunes. Even the ones that almost sound like music. I may have vocalized my dislike of  Kathie Lee “I’d-be-a-bitch-if-you-weren’t-paying-me” Gifford,  but usually she just makes my eyes roll. Her fake cheerfulness is that of a cheerleader who really hates your guts.  

As for Mario Cantone, I like him, but he’s like finding yourself in a gay bar, even if your not in the mood. He does zany impressions of Katherine Hepburn and Liza Minnelli… and I’m sure he’s great fun at a drag show. But put him with Kathie Lee in a cooking segment about pizza, and something inside me just dies. Watching them pound dough even ruins pizza for me somehow. Suddenly it’s just too fabulous.

I have never been so thankful for a commercial break. The last thing I just heard was Cantone singing “Everything’s comin’ up roses!”

I have about four minutes. I really have to find my remote. I guess I’ll be watching CBS in the mornings now.