Obsessive Compulsive Diva

When my doctor asked me all the little questions that determine whether you are “manic-depressive” as they once called it, I knew he was dead on before I even finished. I’ve always had the problems he was describing and thought that I was just depressed.

My only question was: if there are highs and lows, where in the hell are my highs? He explained it to me as if I am another doctor, which he tends to do, but I follow him pretty well. I am not afraid to ask questions. So when I asked this one, his answer boiled down to one thing. While I get down and depressed, my opposite isn’t ecstasy or happiness, it is that compulsion to clean, that feeling of being on Overdrive, the insomnia. I don’t get hysterical, but I do have waves of energy that are random and uncommon to most people. I get very fixated on doing something, and cannot stop until that task is finished. I am always distracted by things I need to do. And this is when I’m feeling “up.”

I honestly feel cheated.

I mean, if you’re gonna suffer through suicidal thinking, don’t you deserve a little extra happy mania every now and then? Damn. I never even get the giggles. My idea of funny is sarcasm… just one example of how my mind works right there.

I left with a prescription, which I took for awhile, probably not long enough to help though. I’ve been down Antidepressent Road several times before. All those medications just seem to take you down the same numb highway, where everything passes you by as if it is outside a window. You don’t feel happy or sad or anything, really. Everything just kind of happens around you, words come out of your mouth, but emotion? Not so much. Sex? Hell no. Throw in weight gain and I have more than enough reason not to want to take them. 

Especially one with an antipsychotic thrown in.

I hate thinking I need that or I am “Crazy Girl.” But I am. I guess lately I have been mostly manic, and I don’t sit down unless I am working. I can’t watch a whole TV program. I stopped reading when my husband left because it is hard to relax. I only read to fall asleep, which is really really hard. Even on two Ambien! I eat standing up, unless I am with my son and trying to create the illusion of a family dinner. Sometimes we just sit there, eat and watch “The Daily Show.” There is a quiet, invisible difference without my husband there. His absence is always present.

I probably need medication now more than ever. If I gave it a chance, I might be able to save my marriage, or at least save myself. I need to lose “Crazy Girl,” but it is losing myself I fear.